Women's History Month is over but guess what? Patriarchy, the system that privileges men over women, still exists! I often feel overwhelmed dealing with the prevalence of patriarchy in my life so I decided to and ask some friends to give me advice on my problems. Luckily, I have smart friends! Hopefully you will find their advice helpful too.

Many of my female relatives are working for these big-box corporations that are constantly trying to downsize their jobs and push them around in every way possible, but they depend on these jobs.

My first question is, how do you support family members who don't want you to wear your organizer hat with them? And secondly, what are some good general tips for negotiating with these pinche managers?

I asked my friend, Marisa Franco, an organizer with the Women Workers' Project at POWER (People Organized to Win Employment Rights), and one of my general go-to people for processing difficult situations.

MF: What do you mean, "take off the organizer hat"? I think you should keep it on! For any fashionista out there, its all a matter of how you rock it. So it may be that your relative isn't ready to rush on her manager direct-action style, but that doesn't necessarily mean your approach is then just to be a shoulder for her to cry on.

In this situation, I'd employ some negotiation tactics. First off, you should listen to her situation and try and help her identify the key problems, separating them. Oftentimes, when someone's unhappy at work, everything snowballs, and the idea of solving it seems impossible. If she is able to separate these problems, then try and walk her through to identifying which one is primary. Is it that she hasn't gotten a raise for too long? Is it how this pinche manager talks to her? Then the question is, how do you think you could solve that? Ask her questions like, what's the company policy on this issue? How have you seen other people deal with it? How would you solve it?

If you get that far, then she's got to identify who she goes to with the problem, how she would approach that person, and what she would say. Lots of times I like to tell people that they've got a secret weapon -- that they know the person they work for. What makes 'em tick, how to tell what kind of mood they're in, what sorts of things make them soften up. It's important in these sorts of situations, where a person is engaged in trying to negotiate individually on issues at work, that they keep a cool head and come in prepared, understanding what they want, with different options of how to reach an agreement.

Something we came to recently is the concept of ser dulcé pero directa, meaning that you want to be clear and direct about what you are trying to communicate to the person but not come off angry. Ultimately you want it to become our problem, not just my problem. Keeping them from getting defensive is a key to solving the problem amicably without burning bridges.

One of my exes used to say that he wanted to deal with his own sexism and role in patriarchy but found no support from his male friends. I wish he would have been able to find support for this because it would have made my life a lot less painful! Where could the men in my life who are courageous enough to challenge themselves on this issue get support?

I asked my friend Chris Massenburg a.k.a. Dasan Ahanu a co-founder of Men Against Rape Culture (MARC) and a poet, emcee, activist, organizer, and educator.

He is an artist-in-residence at the Hayti Heritage Center in Durham and at St. Augustine's College in Raleigh, NC. Also a recording artist and songwriter, he recently released an album with music producer Picasso entitled The Jim Crow Jackson Experiment on Amp Truth Records. He can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

DA: Unfortunately there aren't any established resources. When we in Men Against Rape Culture (MARC) do workshops or participate in discussions we always find men who say the same thing. We stress that it's good to at least find one person to embark on the journey with you. You have to have someone to debrief and check in with. It's hard to continue to challenge yourself when you go back out to spend time around peers that won't even consider it.

Sometimes you can check in with the local or statewide coalition against sexual assault or domestic violence. They often try to arrange men's sessions. They have secondary survivors who volunteer to do advocacy work.

Bryan (the other founder of MARC), myself and the other MARC guys try to offer ourselves as sounding boards. There are some organizations that do outreach with men across the country. Many are academic based and located on campuses. There is a listserv that reaches many that do the work. It's This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

It's a shame. I didn't even think about really combating sexism and patriarchy until women advocates and activists really opened my eyes. Then I got involved with Bryan at the North Carolina State Women's Center and found out about Men Can Stop Rape in DC.

Men have to have a community of peers who understand the need to combat sexism and patriarchy. They have to also understand that it is an ongoing struggle. They also have to be accountable to the women around them who they trust.

Even though a lot of people are studying and aware of patriarchy these days, I still find that even conscious organizers and activists do sexist things consciously or unconsciously.

My first instinct is to get angry, turn into a lion and bite their head off, but what would be a more realistic and comradely process for dealing with sexism? Is there ever a time when you should just say goodbye to a comrade?

I asked Jamala Rogers, who serves on the National Executive Committee of Freedom Road and is a mentor of mine to answer these questions.

JR: The struggle against patriarchy and sexism has yet to be taken seriously by the progressive movements. It hasn't been elevated to the level of importance that the struggle against racism has. An indicator of this is the reaction of people when their behavior is called out for being racist versus when it's labeled as sexist or colluding with patriarchy.

Patriarchy is woven into the fabric of a capitalist society so that even oppressed men, whether they are working-class white men or men of color, still enjoy some benefits of a patriarchal society. This means that the sheer numbers of people who have to be educated and challenged about their role in holding up sexism far exceeds those who benefit directly from racism. It has had devastating effects upon women in particular and organizations in general.

I believe the Left has a lot of work to do in this area. Part of it is truly a lack of understanding about its relationship to capitalism and the detrimental impact upon a democratic society. The question of study will address some of this.

However, a deeper look into our respective organizations suggests that a culture exists that too often gives a pass to patriarchy in its various manifestations. Women are not as emboldened to confront it in the way that people of color confront racism, and those who do seem to be quickly isolated and undermined. Their analysis of a situation is often portrayed as being "over the top" or "extreme." Sometimes, it is even a challenge to get their sister comrades to stand up with them. This allows men who may be seen as clearly anti-racist run amok with their sexism, as if this is some kind of trade-off.

There are progressive and revolutionary men who are leaders in our organizations and movements who have been criticized for their sexist behavior for years -- and still they persist without that struggle intensifying. There must be a range of responses to male comrades' displays of patriarchy. Initially, it could be educational one-on-ones by male or female cadres. It could move to sharper criticism in a more collective setting. If there are persistent and appropriate responses to these actions and behaviors and no self-criticism or behavioral changes are forthcoming, it may be time for a serious rectification plan. By this time, it is not just an individual issue but the group's issue. The kind and intensity of responses may vary but what's important is that there cannot be a liberal approach (as in Mao's "Combat Liberalism"), or the situation will go from bad to worse.

Those who believe in revolution should understand that revolutionaries can't engage in a twelve-step program that goes on ad infinitum with any destructive "ism" in our midst. Our male comrades-in-struggle must be willing to carry the baton of democracy, modeling the behavior essential to a democratic organization. If we can't conquer this in our relatively small organizations, we can never have the ultimate impact on the broader society.

Claire Tran is a playwright, songwriter, poet, actress, and youth organizer / entertainer. She's also member of the National Executive Committee of the Freedom Road Socialist Organization / Organización Socialista del Camino para la Libertad. For more info on the fight against patriarchy check out The Cost of Privilege by Chip Smith.